April 16, 2013
A really crummy day… that is what I feel like the sum total of my day is today… Cody is out of town, spending some much needed time with his family- so that leaves me as the “substitute teacher” at work- taking on his “hands on” responsibilities in addition to my own. His trip was fairly last minute, and while I knew he was trying to get away, I did not know until I got to the office yesterday that he was leaving after lunch. We are fairly busy right now, and in the middle of trying to complete several projects, so that caused a tad bit of stress on everyone as we were all scrambling to get our instructions as he walked out the door.
Monday afternoon- fairly smooth sailing. Tuesday morning, not so much… after a very fun and entertaining ride to Aubrey’s school (one of the highlights of my day- especially when she told us her “hair wouldn’t do anything.”) everything headed south. We soon found out that Temple High was on lockdown (they are right next to our building) and later found out that a student had brought a gun to school and shot himself… a tragedy that could have been much worse had the young man decided to use the gun on other students before turning it on himself.
Following that, things just continued to go wrong…ending with a bunked up job; all of the VB employees (two of which happen to be my sons and one me) frustrated and trying to problem solve without the brains of the operation, Cody, here… only to talk to him and find out all of our “problem solving” had just been a waste of time…Experience is key…
As I have said before, working with your spouse, your sons and your “extended” family has its ups and downs… it is often stressful. Many days I feel like I am trying to please 3 Crittenden men (because I am) and most days I feel like I am trying (but not succeeding) at taking care of everything… Today was one of those days…
At the end of the day, I came home- worked out with Lynnsay and our trainer… mowed my back yard (riding lawnmower-Cody is out of town, my first time to use it!) and dug in the dirt to plant flowers. As I sat on my back porch, watching the last bit of daylight fade away, enjoying the fruits of my labor as well as a glass of the fruit of the vine…the sting of the work day began to fade with the daylight. The sting was replaced with burning muscles and aching joints. Exhaustion crept up on me and I welcomed the fact that sleep would soon be my refuge and hoped that tomorrow will be a much better day…actually I know it will be- it is after all, Hump day with Hudson!! And my husband is coming home!!!
April 23, 2013
A week later…after reflecting on my crummy day, I realize that there was more to my emotional distress than just a bad day at the office.
My day actually began shadowed by the fact that my husband was away and dealing with heart wrenching situations, while I was here, helpless and useless, unable to give him any support. So instead I put all of my energy and effort into our business, concentrating on helping and supporting Cody by taking that burden off of his shoulders. Something I thought I could control. Epic fail. So, instead of being the “Heroic Wife”, I slowly began to fall into a pit of self disappointment. Without realizing it, I had put the burden of failure on my shoulders. Failure as a wife. Failure as a business partner. Failure as Cody’s helper/completer. And what is worse is that I began responding to Cody as if that was how he was seeing me as well.
At some point I had lost sight of my position in life. I had bumped myself right up from Cody’s helper/completer- to God’s helper/completer. I had very successfully taken the responsibility of “taking care” of my husband and placed it on my shoulders. I had wrestled in prayer for Cody, but my heart was not completely trusting in the fact that God was holding him in the palm of His hands, which was my prayer. Instead, I had somehow switched my prayer from that, to pleading for God to show me how I can protect and take care of my husband. I was putting myself in between God and Cody, and very cleverly making “me” the center of my prayer. Guess what? God very successfully moved right around me and left me in my pool of self pity. And while He held Cody in the palm of His hands and comforted him, He patiently waited for me to look up and cry out to Him from my pit of failed attempts to be His helper. And he is faithful and he is just. He gently pulled me out, cared for my bruised self-esteem and put me back in my place. He gently showed me, as He has hundreds of times, that He is God, and I am not; He sent us the Comforter, and it is the Holy Spirit, not me. I need to just be Cody’s wife and business partner. I need to be Cody’s helper/completer. I wonder how many times I am going to have to learn this lesson? Probably at least one more time…