“So, Mom,
how do you feel about this decision?”…This
is a question I was forced to answer many times after my son, David, said that
he was joining the Navy. This was in
November of 2015. My answer was always the same,
“I am trusting God and know that He has a plan for him…and I know David needs to do something.” Good
answer, right? Right. Except in my head, I was thinking, “It isn’t happening
until April…he will be on a new path by then…. A safe
path that will keep him here. With the
family. God’s plan will overrule and
this is not the plan He has for David.“
I really
thought that David’s decision was a reaction to reading “Lone Survivor” or
possibly “American Sniper.” But as I listened to him plan and talk and think
out loud…I did think that maybe this was the “something”
he was serious about. Maybe this really
was the something he needed to do. But
for my own emotional protection, I did not allow myself to dwell in that
reality for long.
And yet, as
April 11th loomed before us, David never changed his mind. After the friends and family goodbye… he was
still signed on and after the family and dogs goodbye… he was
immovable. And suddenly, it was April 9th and we would have to drop
him off at the Recruit station the next morning.
I planned
and executed the parties, the games, the celebrations…the hugs
goodbye…my thoughts were completely busy with the plans
and then suddenly it was over and it was Sunday and we were in the car headed for the Navy
Recruit Station. The ride was quiet,
with occasional comments between my husband and our son. “I told Chris he could
borrow my ice chest and the kayak if he wants to.” “Did you hear about…(insert any
sporting event here)” .
This is when someone should have asked me how
I felt about his decision. Because my
emotions were raw, and real. As I got
out of the car to hug him goodbye, I could feel myself shaking trying to
control everything that was welling up inside my Momma’s heart. And as he told me, “I love you, Mom. I will try to make y’all proud,” my reserves
almost gave way. I felt like hanging on
to him and begging him not to go. And
yet part of me was so scared that he wouldn’t go and that he would change his
mind. And when he told me that he hoped
he would make us proud, I said, “You have always made us proud.”
It wasn’t
until we got home that I allowed myself to cry. To really, really cry. And I could not make anyone understand why I
was crying. My answer was still the
same, “I am
trusting God. And I know He has a plan
for him.” And yet all
that my support group of friends and family could tell me were things like, “This is a great
opportunity!” “Don’t be sad, he has made
a decision about his future.” “Marleea,
he can’t live with you forever. It is
time he decided to do something.”
“How does
mom feel about this decision?” Well
friends and family- I KNOW THAT IT IS THE RIGHT DECISION. I was not sad because he joined the
Navy. I wasn’t even sad because he was
moving across the country. I was sad
because he is no longer here. He is no
longer local and readily available.
Family lunches and gatherings will be missing him. His dad will not have
anyone to talk to about sports 24/7. He
owns a piece of my heart and it moved away.
That was part of it.
The other
part was he was going to bootcamp.
Boot.Camp. And then he would be
in the Navy. America’s Navy. What mom
really wants her kid to experience either?
I mean
first of all- Bootcamp…Don’t we generally protect our kids from that
type of bullying? Discipline? Rigorous
training?
And then he
will be a Sailor? I don’t care if it
isn’t “war time” right now. “War time”
is right around the corner. No one can say we are going to be at peace with the
world for next six years.
“How does momma feel about this decision?” “I
am trusting God and know that He has a
plan for David’s life.”
And trust
in God I did. There were days at work
that I would feel panic creep up in my soul and I would pray. I could not text David. I could not call him. I could only pray. Pray and trust in the plan that God has. And wait.
Wait for Thursday’s letter (after the 3rd week). Wait for the random phone calls. Wait for the “I am a Sailor” phone call
announcing that he had passed everything and would be participating in the Pass
in Review Graduation ceremony. Trust and wait.
And the call
came. And I was there as he marched into
the hall with his division for his PIR ceremony. I was there to see him march by…and search
the stands for familiar faces. I was
there to hear the 600 plus Sailor Recruits recite “A Sailor’s Creed” and sing
“Anchors Away”. And I was there when the
commander said, “Liberty! Liberty!” And
I exited the stadium as fast as possible to grab my son and hold him tight. (I
had to beat his sister to him) And I looked at him.
And I saw
my son. My son who was a better
man. My son who had learned to laugh with people he never met. My son who had gained strength from a God
that he had not walked close to in months.
My son. My baby boy. He stood before me, hugging me and I knew
that he was now the man that the Navy had helped shape; but mostly he is
becoming the man that God has created..
He was a Sailor. He is happy and
excited to fulfill his duty as a Seaman in America’s Navy. Thank you Navy for
taking good care of him. “I am
trusting God and know that He has a plan
for David’s life.” Praise you God for
knowing that your plan is so much greater than mine.
During this weekend, I was
reading a book by JoJo Moyes. In an excerpt from it she writes, “It’s just
that the thing you never understand about being a mother, until you are one, is
that the grown man—the galumphing, unshaven, stinking, opinionated
offspring—you see before you, with his
parking tickets and unpolished shoes and complicated love life. You see all the people he has ever been all
rolled up into one. I looked at Will
and I saw the baby I held in my arms, dewily besotted, unable to believe that I
had created another human being. I saw
the toddler, reaching for my hand, the schoolboy wheeping tears of fury after
being bullied by some other child. I saw
the vulnerabilities, the love, the history…”
When I
looked at David, all dressed in his Navy Whites, and later dressed in his tan
and blacks (Peanut Butter they call it)- that is what I saw. I saw the dark haired baby boy I was scared
would never be born. I saw the toddler
who sucked his thumb and insisted on sitting by the air vent in the mini van
because he liked the way it made his
blanket smell. I saw the elementary and
middle school strong willed boy who started a business selling his “stuff” in a
way I can’t even describe. The boy who
talked and told stories all of the time.
The one I thought would never grow up.
The boy who played with pencils and made an entire universe with them in
his mind. The boy with the imagination and dreams. I saw the teenager who played sports with all
of his heart. The one who was robbed at
gun point and his life took an immediate change. I saw the boy who loved the Lord with all of
his strength and all of his might- but had his faith rocked and challenged… and I saw the man. The man who is my son. The man who is seeing that the God he
followed does have a plan for his life.
And it is good.
On Saturday
night, as we were checking Dave onto his
“ship” (aka- back onto base) I walked by a mom.
She had the same look on her face… “what are we doing and where do we fit in?”
“So mom, how do you feel
about this decision?” I am trusting in God and know that He has a plan
for David. And today, right now, in this
moment… I can see that God’s plan is greater than my own.
Thank you God and thank you Navy. Thank you
God for America’s Navy… please bless all of our armed forces…
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