The Attack of the Heart Part 3
Everyone kept asking me if Cody is emotional since his heart attack. The answer is no- that would be me. Everyone kept asking me if Cody seems depressed since his heart attack. Again, no- that would be me. I have been emotional, depressed and full of guilt. I was full of guilt because I was in Muleshoe when it happened. I was full of guilt because I did not have enough control to get it together and comfort my children and give them strength. Guilty because my cooking had clogged his artery. Guilty because I was not able to talk him into going to the doctor when I started worrying about him a couple of months ago…guilt.guilt.guilt. I was drowning in my own emotional cesspool.
This is Cody in the hospital, waiting for the dr. to come in and pretending that he is drinking a Monster Drink... too soon for giggles and laughs in my mind...
I have tried to laugh about it; to join in the joking and finding humor in all of the little details; and to adopt the lighthearted attitude that Cody has taken. But it has all been forced and fake. See, I have had a plan for my life- and it did not include a life without Cody. I have already planned to go home to Jesus before him. (Seriously, I have even quizzed him about what his marital status will be once he has gone through the proper grieving time after my demise) And my plan includes many more years on this earth with this man who holds my heart…
But as I have been in the midst of throwing a fit of fear, despair, anger and guilt… my God has recently reached down, taken my face in His hands and said, “Listen here little girl…I have a plan for your life; and MY plan is way better than your plan, because MY LOVE for you is perfect. “ (He said it calmly, but sternly…) And He also said, “Take your focus off of yourself, and place it back on Me.” And He gave me these words from scripture, “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
It is never easy for me to take my focus off of myself… but it is crucial for all of my relationships, not just the one I have with my Lord and Savior, that I do just that. But God is always so faithful to guide me out of my self-centered rain forest… and this time He has been so gentle. We recently finished up our summer Bible study of the Psalms of Ascent- as I looked back over the study and the things I have learned this summer my own answer to a question re-enforced what God had so clearly spoken in my heart last week.
Have you discovered a strong relationship in the concept of the statement Where I look impacts How I feel? If so, how? Try to get specific. “If I look to anything or anyone other than God- my feelings are self-centered.” Hmmm…
The Lord my God is perfect and all powerful…”I look up to the mountains-does my help come from there? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth! He will not let you stumble; the one who watches over you will not slumber. Indeed, he who watches over Israel never slumbers or sleeps.” Psalm 121:1-4.
Cody is doing incredible. We walk together 3 to 4 mornings a week, and I am shoving chicken, fruits and vegetables down his throat as much as I can. Recently my mother-in-law told me that Cody has always been a quick healer, however, she believes that this recovery had more to do with the hand of God, and I agree. Cody’s time here is not over, and I am so thankful that it is not.
I faced one of my greatest fears on July 2, 2013 and I have come to terms with it this summer… see, Cody may have been the one that had the heart attack, but I am the one who had the heart change. God, in His mercy, has once again pointed me straight to Him. And once again, I have been reminded that I can do all things through Him who gives me strength. As I looked back over the spring and summer, including our summer Bible study, I can see so clearly how God was preparing me for this journey…He was pruning, watering and fertilizing my heart with His love and His words so that at the perfect time in my life they would not return void to me, but instead, they would return with healing power to help change my heart.
If I will only remember where my help comes from, I know that I can walk through this life with all it’s trials and tribulations. No matter what comes my way, I just need to keep my eyes on my God. I recently heard a story about a man who had changed his prayer from, “God use me and my life.” To “God make me usable.” What a powerful prayer. I pray I have the courage and the faith to pray that with a pure heart.