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Thursday, August 22, 2013

The Attack of the Heart-  Part Two

Getting Home

I am not sure how most people handle this news or this type of situation. But looking back, I feel like I handled it in a way that resembled an insane fit.  I know that I handled it with very little control…but as I ended the first phone call from David, my mom asked me what I wanted to do, I asked for them to pray…and they did… right there in the back yard with me…we joined hands and hearts and began to pray. I gave my phone to Lynnsay and told her to call our pastor, Ryan to tell him what was going on. And he immediately notified the prayer team…

Lynnsay and my mom made phone calls to family members.  Lynnsay spoke with her husband, H.B.  and her brothers. I had told David to call Karen and Bobby Luckett to come to the hospital.  Even though they are both grown men and they were handling the situation with incredible maturity and calmness, I wanted someone else to be there with them, someone else who was questioning the doctors, someone else who would tell me everything about Cody, and his prognosis.  Looking back, I realize that it was the first time in my life that I could not put the feelings of my children before my own…I did not have the capacity to protect them or comfort them, I was a like a dried out sponge and all I could do was soak up…As Lynnsay looked at me with fear and sadness in her eyes and tried to comfort me, I had no strength to pull it together and try to alleviate her fears, comfort her heart, or relieve her of the burden of holding me together… all I could do was absorb comfort and strength from everyone around me.

I don’t know how we got it together, I have no idea what the time line was with everything… I only know that at some point my dad told my mom to make a pot of coffee and that he was taking me home. We were in my car heading to Temple by 11:30…  the two hours between the first phone call from David and when I looked at the clock in the car, my life had rushed by with only moments of  clarity. At some point  I talked to my sister, Stephanie, and my brother, Brandon…I spoken at least once to my sons Jacob and David; I know I called my dearest friend, Karen, my sister-in-law, Susan, and my cousin, Kaylenn. But, looking back, I have very little that I can recall from any of those conversations.  I had cuddled with my mom on the couch as she told me that I was her little girl, and poured love and support into my very starving soul…Lynnsay held my hand while she tried to calm me with her hugs and her words..and,  I survived. I survived by soaking up the love and the prayers (and a couple of shots of whiskey I requested from my dad). As we headed toward Temple, I was beginning to find the strength I had been searching for, the strength I had been praying for, to climb out of the pit of fear and despair…

We were well on our way home when I began receiving the phone calls that everything went well … one of Cody’s major arteries was 97% blocked and at the time of the heart attack; I believe they call his heart attack a “widow maker”…the blockage had been removed, and they had placed a stint in the artery…All reports were that he was doing great and in incredible spirit! Karen said that he did not even look like he had suffered a heart attack…Ryan called to tell me not to hurry home (too late for that piece of advice, we were already nearly to Lubbock)

By the time we got to Lubbock, Cody had tried to call my cell phone twice, but I could not hear him… and I wanted so badly to hear his voice… but I got a text from him… and it is my favorite text message I have ever received… I read it over and over again… all the way home, I would open my messages and read it…I still read it probably once a day.

I did get to talk to Cody, somewhere between Post and Sweetwater… I had never been so happy to hear his voice…he was laughing and cracking jokes and seemed genuinely happy that we were on our way home.

After Cody made it through his procedure with flying colors, I think the prayer warriors began to intercede for our safe travel home. Daddy wanted me to sleep so badly, but there was just no way I could. I was the d.j. and tried to keep my dad awake by playing music from my phone.  Thankfully, earlier in the evening, BEFORE the heart attack, I had successfully downloaded his new favorite song, which we listened to several times.

We got home, safe and sound, thanks to my dad.  Hudson slept like the sweet baby he is, all of the way home… and Lynnsay was able to get some sleep.  I received several text messages and phone calls from David and one from Cody as they were keeping up with our ETA.  David reported that Cody was still doing great and that he and Katherine were just chilling with him in his ICU hospital room.

We dropped my dad off at the house to get some sleep and I gathered a few things that Cody had requested and we headed to the hospital. 

HB and David met us in the parking lot, and we handed Hudson off to HB and headed up to Cody’s room.  Cody was in ICU, sitting up in his bed and engrossed in a deep conversation with Katherine.  He did not look like he had survived a brush with death.  He was laughing and making jokes.  He did not look like he had been awake all night… and he certainly did not look like a man who had just survived a terrifying ordeal…I, on the other hand, looked like I had suffered more than a heart attack.  I smelt like I had experienced a brush with death… I was not smiling and laughing… in fact, I was finding it hard to find anything about the situation that was amusing…I was scared. I was exhausted. And I had no clue what to do with all of the fear I had shoved into the depths of my soul.

As I saw him for the first time I wanted to run and jump on him and smother him with hugs and kisses- and part of me was scared of how fragile his life now felt to me.  I have spent the last month struggling to make sense of all of the emotions I have been forced to face.

 I have learned that we all went through an emotional tornado… and we all have to recover o n our own terms…

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