December 16, 2011
In two days we will be celebrating our son’s 19th birthday. We will have a big family dinner, and invite all of his friends over. I am sure they will be rowdy and play games of some sort and leave my house and possibly my yard in a mess.
I am looking forward to his special day. But today I am thinking of what happened 20 years ago, on December 16, 1991. I went to bed on December 15, after kissing my babies, Jacob and Lynnsay, goodnight. I prayed for those two babies and for the one I was carrying…I felt fine, I slept well…I woke up to a completely different world… I was about 8 weeks along, and my baby died. As was the case with ALL of my children, this pregnancy was not planned. But we were excited. Jacob was 4 and Lynnsay was nearly 3. We had always wanted three children, so this would be my last pregnancy, and our last baby. That was our plan.
But on December 16 my baby had no heart beat. It was at that very moment that I realized how little control I had over these little lives that God had blessed Cody and I with. That night, after I knew the pregnancy was over, as I tucked Jacob and Lynnsay into bed, I looked at them with renewed amazement. Those two precious babies were mine and Cody’s, however, it was God who gave them life. It was God who had allowed them to be born safe and healthy…it was God who had allowed us to be their parents.
It is hard to understand missing a child that you never really had. We did not know if it was a boy or a girl. I had never felt it move. I had actually only known of the little one’s existence for a mere 3 weeks. But I missed that baby, and my heart longed for that little life. I had precious friends call me with words of wisdom, compassion and prayers. My God cradled me and brought healing to my hurting heart.
To this day, when I hear of a family losing a child, my heart aches over their loss. Those people are always in my hearts and in my prayers.
In the spring of 1992, we had another surprise! We found out that I was pregnant! When I went to the doctor and he told me what the due date was, I knew God was still making His presence known in my life. My fourth baby was due on December 16, 1992.
And now, we have David, who showed up two days late!
As my children have grown into adults, I still find myself thinking I have some control over them. But I really don’t. Cody and I have raised them, given them love and acceptance and all the guidance we could offer. But I realize that God is still the one giving them life. He is still in control…He is the Holy One that fills my gaps, and the Savior who loves them more than I do, or their dad does, or their grandparents do…or their spouses do…