Feeding the funk

In my old neighborhood there is a mockingbird.  I have always loved to hear that mockingbird singing in the mornings.  I knew that when we moved from that house, I would deeply miss hearing his song.

Cody and I, along with help from my father and mother-in-law, have worked to provide quiet the attraction for a mockingbird in our new yard. And recently, as I left for work, I saw one perched in the tree in my front of my house.  I rolled my window down so I could hear him sing, and I was not disappointed.  His song was a little different than the one the mockingbird on Hemlock sings.  It was a little softer, and a little more soothing.  I text messaged my father-in-law to tell him about my mockingbird. This is how the conversation went:

  Me: “I have a mockingbird in my front yard!! He doesn’t sing the same song as the one at our old house. But he sure sings a pretty tune!”

  Wayne: “Your attitude has changed so you’re not singing the same song either. Ha!”

  Me: “You are probably right about my attitude.  Although it has kinda sucked the last 4 days.”

  Wayne: “You sound a little happier lately.”

Which is true…since we have moved, my attitude has changed. And I am happier.  However, the week the mockingbird appeared I had fallen into a funk…

I was pretty sure on Monday that my hormones were organizing an attack on my already unstable emotional and mental state. I was easily irritated, did not feel like smiling and everything was getting on my nerves or making me want to run away and cry.

Tuesday- I woke up with a raging migraine headache and could not get out of bed.  When I was able to get it under control, Cody told me to stay home for the rest of the day. (Nice, you say? More like self preservation, I say)

By Wednesday everyone in my house, including the animals, were scurrying out of my way like cockroaches. I did not care. One morning, I actually got mad and went to my room and shut the door and laid on the bed until I heard the front door close and I knew everyone had left for the shop. I knew I was being ridiculous, but I did not care.  In fact, I was actually enjoying wallowing in my funk.  I refused to try to look at the good things…I was only focused on the negative.

As the week turned into the weekend, my attitude pretty much stayed course.  Although I really just wanted to be alone, we spent Friday night and Saturday night with friends and family.  And then came Sunday.

I love Sundays! There is church, which is always such a blessing. And then we have Blue Bloods Family Lunch (a tradition started by me and Karen Luckett- I will explain at a later date) and just general relaxing on Sundays. On this particular Sunday, we had been invited to our friends who live across the street from our old house on Hemlock to celebrate their son’s birthday.

 We met the Harwell’s about 10 years ago, when they moved into the house across the street from us on Hemlock…They have become a part of our family.  It is always a party at Ledia and Clinton’s.  Ledia is from Honduras and has the most amazing accent! An accent many have tried to imitate, however, so far, none have succeeded.  Being with her just makes me happy.  Their house was filled with people and music.  They listen to Spanish music which makes everything seem even more festive.  And the wine…they always have the best wine!  When I drink wine with Clinton and Ledia, I  think I must feel like the guests at the wedding where Jesus performed his first miracle. The people who were served the wine Jesus had just created; the wine that was described by the master of the banquet as “the best.”

Although I was having a good day…I was aware that my funk was still in control of my emotions and it was strange parking across the street from the driveway I have parked in for the last 11 years. The driveway and the house are still empty, and I was fighting the urge to just walk over…eventually, in a moment when I was left alone, I lost the battle.  I walked out the front door completely unnoticed and across the street. 

As soon as I looked in the front window and walked around the house, I knew I was not fighting the funk…I was feeding it…in all honesty, I had been nurturing it all week.  I just stood and looked at the empty house that was my home for so many years.  I allowed myself to remember what it was like when we first moved in; how excited we were…I sat on the porch, and I remembered.  Even though, while I was sitting there, the house definitely did not look or feel like my home, my home is a small red brick house in the Westwood Addition, the view across the street of my neighbor’s, no, not just my neighbor’s, my dear friends’ house- that view felt like home. And the mockingbird was singing. He was singing the song I am so familiar with.  That mockingbird’s song felt like home.

I gathered my emotions together and walked back across the street- leaving the old house behind me.  I did not even look back towards it.  I walked in the front door, sure that no one had missed me. But I was wrong.

Cody asked me where I had been; everyone had been looking for me.  I tried to casually say that I walked across the street…but when the look on Cody’s face turned from slightly irritated to sweet concern, I felt my eyes fill up with tears.  As he hugged me, he said, “Why? Why would you do that?” And I knew I had been caught feeding my funk.

When we left the party, I did not even glance at the house. I was glad to get home. I had cried on Ledia’s shoulder for a bit… I have to admit I felt a little guilty for bringing the funk to the party…but I guess every party has to have a pooper; I just never have been one.

I believe that pooping the party was the beginning of the end for my funk…I was still not back to my normal craziness…but I was fighting it more and more. 

I bought some flowers to plant. Digging in dirt always makes me happy.  So I spent one afternoon planting.  I was on my patio, listening to praise music, singing and planting! Now here’s the deal- I am a terrible singer. The.Worst.Ever. But, my dogs don’t mind it, and none of my neighbors were in their yards- so I felt free to sing as much and as loud as I wanted. In the middle of “Here I am to Worship” my mockingbird landed on a branch and began to sing too.  The mockingbird was singing in tune and along with “Here I am to Worship.” It was one of the most beautiful songs I have ever heard.  I knew that it was a special concert, orchestrated by my God, just for me!! What an honor it is to serve such a powerful and personal God! He never feeds my funk; and I don’t think He honors me when I am wallowing in the pit of one…But He is always here. He is always ready and willing to show me the way out of the funk.  He is God and all of creation sings His praises!

Yes, “my new” mockingbird does sing a different song than the old one.  But my heart is singing a new song as well.

Sometimes a funk is unavoidable… but they are not forever.

⁴ Sing praises to the Lord, you who belong to him;
praise his holy name.
⁵ His anger lasts only a moment,
but his kindness lasts for a lifetime.
Crying may last for a night,
but joy comes in the morning.

¹¹ You changed my sorrow into dancing.
You took away my clothes of sadness,
and clothed me in happiness.
¹² I will sing to you and not be silent.
Lord, my God, I will praise you forever.

Psalm 30: 4-5; 11-12

I am here...to get out of here...

March 1, 2012

Here to get out of here…

I have an Uncle Paul…he became my uncle in a very peculiar way, and I am not going to go into that story.  However, I think my Grandma summed it up years ago when she said something like, “He is our kin folk. We will just claim him!”  And so it was!

Several years ago, he and my Aunt Debbie (Uncle Paul’s wife, and the main reason he became my uncle) moved to Temple; and Cody and I were blessed with the opportunity to really “claim” him as our Uncle!  Over the years he and my Aunt Debbie have been some of our dearest friends, and closest family. They did not live here long, maybe 3 years, before they moved back to Lubbock for a couple of years.  But then about 3 years ago, they moved to Rockwall.  My cousin, (their son) Brent and his family live in Rockwall, so it was a great move for them!  We loved it because they are a little closer to us; and a bonus is that I get to see my cousin, Brent, a little more as well!!

Over the years we have spent some great time with Debbie and Paul.  We have helped each other move; we have shared pets ( by sharing I really mean that we actually we gave them our cat, and we gave them a dog… we don’t want them back); we have spent countless hours on each other’s patios talking and laughing; we have catered (quiet professionally, I might add) several weddings, including their son, Justin’s and our daughter, Lynnsay’s; and we have enjoyed many good meals together! Debbie and I have started and completed more DIY home improvement projects than I can count.  Debbie gave me a love for gardening, and helped me get the hang of it (FYI: Watering is key. Who knew?)  Paul has coined phrases like, “Nice buns” always referring to the bread being served at dinner; and “smoke a beer” referring to time on the patio with a cigarette and an ice cold beer…He can talk just like “Shrek” and does a great impression of a Jewish New Yorker. He introduced Jimmy Buffet to our family and now we all love “Margaritaville”! And Brian Regan. Paul also introduced our family to him, a clean cut comedian whose act David can recite on demand! Oh~ and I can’t leave out Karaoke time… we have all sang until the wee hours of the morning.  They are no longer just our “kin folk”~ They are our friends.

Sometime in September, Paul and Debbie were taking vacation because Paul’s cousin, Dick, and his wife, Sharon, were coming for a visit from Kentucky.  I had spoken with Debbie on several occasions and I knew they were really looking forward to the visit! Debbie called me on Sunday, I assumed to tell me about their trip, however, the voice on the other end was not filled with happiness, it was filled with fear and it delivered shocking news.  Paul had spent their entire vacation time in the hospital. And at the end of the story she was reciting to me she said, “They diagnosed with him with lymphoma.  We will have to wait until next week to find out the details on what type of lymphoma we are dealing with.  Marleea, Paul has cancer.” Her voice broke, and I felt the air knocked out of my lungs as I began to wrap my mind around this news.  I told her that we would pray, starting now!

For me, it is a pretty helpless feeling when all I have to offer is prayer.  I want to DO something.  I want to FIX EVERYTHING.  But at times like this, prayer is all I have available in my “bag of tricks”.  Immediately I got on the phone and called my parents and told them to pray; and I asked them to call the rest of our family and ask them to pray…

Debbie called me the next week to tell me what the diagnosis was, and she said that it was not as good as they had hoped for… it was rare, and while it is treatable, it is not curable.  Paul asked what would happen if he just chose to not have any treatment…and the doctor’s prognosis was not very desirable.  He was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Mantle Cell Blastic Lymphoma…

The treatment?  Let’s just say it is harsh, quick and aggressive…the treatment matched the cancer.  Paul’s attitude?  Positive, strong and full of faith…his attitude matched the cancer…what could the rest of us do?  Pray…that’s all…

Paul’s treatment would end with a bone marrow transplant…his brothers were all ready to volunteer.  One of them, Andy, was a perfect match (an answer to prayers…)

Paul went into war mode against the cancer.  Weeks in the hospital taking chemo… side effects? Minimal to none…Doctors could never believe it…(an answer to prayers…)

Paul ‘s attitude has remained strong and positive.  He shaved his head and looks  adorable.  He always tells everyone that he is doing gooood...and he is… “I am telling you right now, I don’t have anything to complain about.”(an answer to prayers…)

On Tuesday, Cody and I, along with Lynnsay loaded up and headed to Dallas.  Paul’s treatment was now down to his bone marrow transplant…

Two weeks ago, his brother Andy was here and donated his bone marrow to save his brother’s life.  According to Aunt Debbie, this donation was hard on Andy, but he gladly suffered and donated … (an answer to prayers)

Paul entered the hospital last Friday… he has had massive Chemo treatments and massive radiation treatments…side effects? None.  (Answer to prayers) We saw him yesterday between his last two radiation treatments…he is a living answer to prayers.  He was going to receive his transplant which would begin sometime after 4 p.m. and could last up until 10 or 11 p.m. He was done before 6:30 p.m. (an answer to prayers).

Paul is fighting for his life.  He is sticking it out and fighting a good fight…I am helpless in this fight for him…

All I have had to offer is my prayers first and my support second…

This morning we went to visit Paul (who had a bone marrow transplant yesterday and toasted his own bagel this morning…)Again, he was amazing… an answer to prayer… Bone marrow transplant yesterday… toasting his own bagels this morning…he even got to come out into the waiting room (with a mask) to hug us all and tell us goodbye…In a very “Paul” manner he said, “ I am here…to get out of here….”

Pretty deep words from a man who is in the last battle for his life.  He is there…on the 11^th floor of Dallas Medical City…the floor where bone marrow and stem cell transplants take place…he is there to get out and live his life, cancer free. 

When Paul was diagnosed with cancer, we were all helpless… all we had to offer was our prayers…I now ask that you join me in praying for Paul… and in thanking God for what He has done for Paul…it is very easy to do, and the best thing you could do. Happy “Birthday” Paul!! I am not helpless in this fight with you- I have the strongest thing to offer… I have prayer…

A Fine Line

February 10, 2012

I am not a good driver. I have never claimed to be a good driver.  I don’t enjoy driving. People don’t really want to ride with me, because I make them nervous. It has been said that I am a terrible driver; which I suppose could be true.  However, I have only had one actual wreck in my life, and I have only had 2 traffic tickets. Both pretty good numbers when you figure I have been driving for well over 30 years. 

I follow the traffic laws, for the most part, to the best of my abilities.  I am not perfect at keeping the laws. Far from it. You can ask my mother-in-law who was with me a couple of years back when I ran the red light on 57^th street crossing the loop; or my kids, who have been with me when I went down a one way- the wrong way.  There are a million times a day when I look at my speed and realize that I am over the limit. I can’t count the times over the last year that I have been on my cell phone going through a school zone when I suddenly realized what I was doing. There have been just as many times that I have knowingly driven over the speed limit trying to make it to my destination quicker.  I have also knowingly “glided” through a stop sign and even a red light because I did not want to take the time to stop, and I knew no one was coming. I have driven my car with my inspection sticker or my tags out of date.  I am not perfect in my ability to keep the traffic laws, nor am I perfect in my desire to keep them.  However, my goal when I get behind the wheel is to obey the rules of the land. I think I can say with relative ease that no one has ever been able to keep all of the traffic laws, no matter how hard they try. 

My route to work every day takes me by an elementary school.  Depending on what time I actually leave my house, the speed limit could range from 25 mph to 30 mph.  But it is never over 30!  We live in a sub division that is not really “in town”- so it is hard to keep it under 30 on that long stretch of road.  But the road we turn onto from it to head “into town” (2305 or Lake Road) is even longer and bigger.  The speed limit on it is 50 mph. And I struggle with that as well- most of the time I set my cruise when traveling on 2305.

The other morning when I left my house it was getting close to 9 a.m. and I was trying to hurry, because my granddaughter attends the only day care in the world that “requires” you be there by 9 a.m.!! (I NEVER make it) I had missed the school zone time, but I was still having a hard time keeping my speed limit on 30. I looked in my rear view mirror to see a City Cop behind me and he was closing the distance at a pretty good clip. Now- I have to say that even with the cop behind me, I found it nearly impossible to keep my speed limit right on 30. The officer sped past me and changed lanes (no turn signal) and then took a quick right at the red light on 2305  to head into Temple.  He did not come to a complete stop before he made the right hand turn on red, he simply slowed down and went on through the red light.

At first, I was irritated.  How dare he, the officer of the law, not OBEY the law?  What kind of example was that to me and the other drivers on the road?  I mean, I don’t really have a problem with running through red lights, or speeding- but what about the others driving on the highway? 

It hit me right then- Police officers do not have the job of showing me the law.  Their job is not to keep the laws and serve as perfect examples to the public. (although their goal should be to keep the laws if at all possible) They are here to enforce the law. If I had turned right at the red light without coming to a complete stop, and an officer happened to see me and stop me, I would not be able to explain to him that I thought it might be ok because I had seen the officer right in front of me do the same thing.  I am held accountable to the law, and the law enforcer is here to point out when I am not following it. 

Was the law enforcement agent above the law? By no means- however, the badge he wears, the gun he carries, and the car he drives gives him a freedom that the rest of us don’t have.  However, this freedom also allows the law enforcer to protect the public.  For instance: When my son was robbed, I did not want the officers who were headed to the scene of the crime to be controlled by the traffic laws- I wanted them to speed. I did not want them bound by the traffic laws that keep the public from running in chaos! And I trusted they would get there safely and as quickly as possible. 

Since that morning I have considered how Christians mimic these relationships and roles in real life.

 Many feel like they are law enforcement officers.  They are constantly pointing out the way their brothers and sisters are failing to uphold the law- all in the name of love, of course. And yet, they themselves are breaking laws.  The thing with this is that is, as my friend Karen says, a fine line…where do God’s laws end and man’s additional laws begin?  And scripture tells us that we have all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God.  I could be wrong, but I don’t see in scripture where “law enforcement” is a gift of the spirit.

And how often, as Believers, do we judge another Believer’s actions (as I did that morning with the police officer)? We see something going on, make a judgement call in our human hearts and then chalk that believer up as being a “bad role model” as a Christian. We determine what type of influence their actions are having on other Christians, and better yet, the rest of the unbelieving world; or even worse- we can attribute their actions to causing us to slip up and break a law. Often that is when we call on the Law Enforcement Christians, or we step into the role of the Law Enforcement Christian; and we attack our Brother or Sister.  Again in the wise words of Karen, this is a fine line. We are called to hold each other accountable-in love. And again, scripture tells us that we have all sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God. And again, I could be wrong, but I don’t recall in scripture where quick judgment of our brother or sister is a gift of the spirit.

And finally, how often as believers are we paralyzed by fear of breaking the very law that was put in place by our own God with the knowledge there was no way a mere human could ever keep it.  How often do we spend our lives looking at the speed odometer checking our speed while keeping a close eye on the Law Enforcement Officer who is following us, only to look down and see that once again we have failed, and instead of going 30 mph, we are now heading up to 32! The fear of being caught and disciplined only sends us into panic and we are now living our lives in slow motion, or worse yet, in hiding.  Once again- scripture tells us that we have all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.

Romans 3:19-24…28…31 “We know that the law’s commands are for those who have the law.  This stops all excuses and brings the whole world under God’s judgement, because no one can be made right with God by following the law.  The law only shows us our sin. But God has a way to make people right with him without the law, and he has now shown us that way which the law and the prophets told us about.  God makes people right with himself through their faith in Jesus Christ.  This is true for all who believe in Christ, because all people are the same:  All have sinned and are not good enough for God’s glory, and all need to be made right with God by his grace, which is a free gift.  They need to be made free from sin through Jesus Christ…A person is made right with God through faith, not through obeying the law…So do we destroy the law by following the way of faith? No! Faith causes us to be what the law truly wants.”

It seems to me that what Paul is saying in Romans makes Karen’s wise words completely true.  Walking with Christ is a fine line. It says “faith causes us to be what the law truly wants.” I think that means that the law truly wants us to realize we can never keep it, we can never be good enough...The law wants us to realize we have to have a Savior...we have to have Jesus. I believe that as long as I am walking in faith with Christ, my faith and my life will reflect my driving record in many ways.  I will not always do what is right.  I will never be really good.  I will definitely not be perfect. But as long as I have my sights on my destination and my trust and my faith is in Christ- I am able to face anything! And even though the traveling between points A and B may be rough and a little frightening- I am going to arrive at point B…not on my own terms, but on my Savior’s!

"Too Sexy for my Car"

February 6, 2012

The first brand new car that Cody and I purchased (actually the only brand new car we have ever purchased) was a Honda Accord.  I can’t remember the exact year model- It was probably a 1990 or ’91.  We had Jacob and Lynnsay, but no Dave yet. I loved that car…

When we went car shopping (the first time I had ever shopped for a car)- Cody had given me an entire scenario to act out.  I don’t remember exactly what it was, but I think I was supposed to act like I did not really like anything and I was nervous or something. Whatever my role was supposed to be, Cody and I had not been married long enough for him to come to grips with the fact that I have no acting abilities (my sister got all of those genes) and I can’t ever hide my emotions (no one in our family has those genes). So- the moment I got in the car and put it into gear (it was a 5 speed!!!!) and took off down the road in Killeen, I was hooked. I believe when we pulled back into the lot at Cleo Bay Honda my exact words were, “I LOVE THIS CAR!” And Cody knew his goose was cooked and his grand plans of negotiating had just been blown out of the water by his non-acting, over emotional wife. (If you ask me, it was a bad plan from the get go- but I tried to go along with it)

It was “Champagne” color with a maroon interior.  The interior was so plush and once the door was closed, outside noise almost ceased to exist.  The “new car” smell was heavenly. It had the oh so chic flip up headlights, and the antennae went up when you started the car and down when you shut off the engine… It was, and always will be, my very favorite car. We had that car until after David was born, and Jacob started school. That was when I entered the world of “Car Pooling”. 

When you have 3 children, and the oldest is in kindergarten and the youngest is 18 months, and you want to share the job of carrying your children to and from school- it does not take a rocket scientist to figure out you need a car with more passenger room…so we began to look for a vehicle that would fit our needs- a (YIKES!) mini van!

We settled on a “slightly used” Ford Aerostar.  It was the extended length and also was the “Sport” model.  Being a sport Aerostar only meant that it had some extra cut vinyl striping, and that it had running boards.  But even those did not make me feel very sporty while driving it.

There was a song popular about the time we bought the mini-van, “I’m Too Sexy”. There is a line in the song that says, “I’m too sexy for my car…too sexy by far.” I must confess, I sang that song every day when I drove that minivan, for a long time.  I am sure I even made up verses, because I do things like that.

I distinctly remember being at a red light by a lady in a cute Honda Accord and I was there in my big blue box (marked up with the racing stripes and running boards) and I hated her.  I was envious of the cute sexy car.  I also noticed there were not three children all screaming in the back seat of her car.  She seemed to be enjoying the music on the radio while I was making up new and improved verses to add to “I’m too sexy for my car”…  I am sure I sang something like “I’m too sexy for YOUR car…too sexy by far!”

I have to say I grew to love that minivan as well as the other two we purchased after that one. They are the affordable choice for a family.

It is hard to believe that was about 17 years ago.  Minivans have changed almost as much as my life over the last 17 years.  The last minivan I owned was a Ford Windstar.  I was so excited because the driver’s seat folded down and moved all the way up allowing the driver to have easier access to the middle row of seats. Now days minivans have doors that open electronically on both sides.  Even the rear door opens electronically! (I wonder how much money Chiropractors have lost since mothers no longer have to struggle to get those things closed?) They have stow and go seats; hidden cargo compartments; and  dvd players are the standard, not a luxury.

Funny thing is- I think I have out grown the minivan phase of my family, only to revisit it now that I am a grandmother. I really want a minivan. I want the space and the convenience.  Now, when I am at a red light and I see a young mother beside me in her minivan- and I covet the van.  Now I sing, “You’re too sexy for your car…too sexy for your car…too sexy by far!  I’m too old for my car… too old by far! I need a minivan….need a minivan- I think I’m going to tell my man.”

Funny how life is full of changes!  I never realized that having a grandchild would make me want to go back to the convenience of driving a minivan…and yet, I never realized how much having a grandchild was going to impact my life either!   

This is what our first minivan looked like- exactly!!

Walking in the Water

January 31, 2012

Today is my daughter’s 23^rd birthday.  It is hard to believe that she is already 23 and even harder to believe that in a little over 3 short months she will be a mother! Or as I like to put it, giving me my first grandson.

Lynnsay is a beautiful young woman.  Cody and I are so proud of the lady she has grown into.  She is a good wife, daughter, sister, friend and teacher.  She is talented in so many ways.  One of my greatest “thanksgivings” is that she and HB live in Temple…and while we try not to invade every aspect of their lives (Honestly, HB, I try. Hard.Really.Hard) we get to spend a lot of quality time with them.

Lynnsay, who, as I have already said is pregnant, recently asked me to start going to “water aerobics” with her…So while I know that I am not really good at “organized exercising”, I agreed to start going with her. She is adorable…and I know she feels like she is completely out of shape because she can’t really run or do any of the other activities she usually does to get into shape.  And besides, since she took water aerobics at A&M she has wanted to join a class.  I like being in the pool. Until recently, I owned a pool because I enjoy being in one so much. I love spending time with my kids.  And besides- I was pretty confident that Lynnsay and I would be the youngest ones in the class…and probably in the best shape…a HUGE overconfident assumption on my part since the most physical activity I have experienced in the last 9 months is chasing Aubrey.

We went last Thursday.  I was sitting in the car with Cody waiting for Lynnsay to get there and watching the ladies who were going in before us…they fed right into my overconfident state of mind…

Lynnsay and I changed to our suits (neither of us had swim shoes of any sort) and we headed to the pool.  A lady (probably in her 70’s) who had introduced herself to us in the dressing room, was the leader of the class. She had on tennis shoes. In the pool. (a woman with sensible shoes…a woman after my dad’s and my husband’s hearts) She was nice enough to have gathered our “equipment”. Hand weights, bar bells, and a kick board. There were 3 other ladies in the class- two ladies in their 60’s and a young girl who was a lifeguard. Even with the teeny bopper in the class, I was still feeling pretty confident.

Lynnsay and I were giggling as we got into the pool.  She was incredibly cute in her suit with her little pregnant figure- we missed the “stretch” time, but agreed how much stretching could it take???

Here’s the deal. I don’t think missing the stretches was my problem…but I did have a problem.

Lynnsay is excellent at organized physical activities. She is good at sports. She learned to Snow Board the first time she went skiing. She follows directions well.  She is coordinated and has some sense of rhythm. She is competitive. And she is young. (Ok! Ok! With the teacher being old, age should not really be figured in to my excuses- but I am playing that card anyway!)

I am not any of those things. About the 3^rd time Granny Swim Trunks grabbed my arms or pointed me out in class, I sort of wanted to cry. And after she had asked me how to say my name, and I had corrected her from “Marlena” to “Marleea” twice- I kind of wanted to splash her in the face each time she said, “No Marlena it is like this!” “Marlena, you need to be sitting, like this.” “Marlena the breast stroke is like this, not the way you are doing it.”And when she said, “I have lapped you almost twice, you need to pick up the pace!” I bit a hole in my tongue to keep from saying, “Yeah! Because you are the jolly green giant with tennis shoes on!  I am short and I think my feet are rubbed raw!”

But instead, I would look at my daughter’s happy face; she looked so adorable with her little belly leading every exercise.  She did not seem embarrassed at all that her mother was a loser in the class.  When I turned to the left instead of the right, (which was quickly pointed out by Coach Sweetness, “Your other right, Marlena! It’s been a long day hasn’t it?” Another mental eye roll and splashing from me)it did not phase Lynnsay.  She just smiled at me and said sweetly, “See how much exercise we missed when we had the pool?”

She was patient and made me want to stay and try harder.  Her encouraging presence kept me from giving in and just deciding I did not want to do it anymore.

What a blessing to have a daughter who models Jesus for me! When things in my life get so hard, and I am about to give up, I know I have a Savior. As long as I keep looking at Him, I don’t fall into the grip of despair.  When I look at Christ I am not faced with a mirror of my own mistakes.  I don’t see embarrassment from Him because I am making a complete fool of myself. I see my Savior laughing and saying, “Come on Marleea! (He doesn’t ever call me Marlena) See how much fun we have missed!”

We are going again…and I am wearing my tennis shoes! I will keep my focus on my Savior and my daughter…and off of my inabilities and failures…  Who knows? One day you may go to a Water Aerobics class and find that I am the old lady leading the class! Feel free to splash me if that ever happens! (Oh- and I will feel free to grab your elbows and shove them to your sides, because that is where they are supposed to be! Not floating on top of the water.)

A few photographs of what I really enjoy doing in the water...

Aging gracefully-ish???

January 15, 2012

Today is my birthday.  I am 47, or is it 48…let’s see, I was born in 1965, so in 2005, I turned 40- 2010, I turned 45…it is now 2012, so yes… I am 47. Yes. This is literally the math I did in my head as I tried to remember my exact age. It is shocking that I am not more financially secure with those mathematical skills isn’t it?

I love birthdays… I just don’t like keeping up with how old I am.  I remember when I could not wait to be “older”… I wanted to be able to date, drive, go to college, make my own decisions, get married, have kids… Those years ended a long time ago… A.Long.Time.Ago.

Age has never meant much to me.  My best friend, Karen, always told me that she was 33.  I believed her for years, until the year that Cody turned 33 and I knew she was older than he was… that was when I realized the math was not adding up. Age is just a number- and I am not good at remembering numbers.

But even though another birthday is just another number- my body is telling me that those numbers are racking up pretty quickly.  First of all, I am a grandmother.  Greatest gig ever.  But after a full day with Aubrey, I realize I am tired.  I am not sure how my own three children were ever fed well balanced meals. How did I manage to get the laundry done? And the fact that I ever arrived anywhere fully clothed and with make up on is a complete mystery to me now.  I take her to day care and pick her up a couple of days a week. While these days are the highlights of my week, getting her in and out of the car seat is a work out for me. In fact, I think I might have torn my knee up just trying to maneuver around.  I have considered asking the day care people to just come out and get her. Seriously. The thought crosses my mind. They do have younger people who work there…

I can’t wait for Lynnsay and HB’s little Pistol to arrive.  I just hope I have the energy to chase him and Aubrey.  Hopefully I won’t lose one of them. (Maybe Aubrey will be able to put Pistol in his car seat...and help get him out!! SHHHH- don't tell Lynnsay and Katherine)

Hot flashes…that is another really thrilling adventure you begin to experience as the years add up. I have actually considered running out into the cold air- naked… yes. NAKED. I have often stuck my head into our freezer.  I have started to wear layered clothing…that way I can quickly strip down to my tank top at any given moment. I have also considered moving to my own room- as winter nights make me cold and want to snuggle, and then without a notice- I am on fire! Sweating, not wanting anyone to touch me and seriously wanting to shed my p.j.’s…intense heat followed quickly with the chills…It is a lesson in patience and endurance, let me tell you. Those cute little stylish scarves everyone is wearing right now? Great accessory to hide my aging neck. BUT. A hot flash nightmare. I have actually considered hanging myself with the scarf because I could not get it taken off fast enough. (I have also considered choking the men around me with it during a hot flash when they all seem to be laughing at me, as they sit around “feeling all cool”)I will never understand how my body thermal gauge can turn against me so quickly.

The other thing…readers.  I have been blind since 4^th grade. Actually, probably a little earlier than 4^th since the first time I put on a pair of glasses I realized the trees actually had “separate” leaves- any of you with severe near sightedness can understand what I am talking about. But I have always been able to see up close…not anymore.  And I have realized that short of carrying around a magnifying glass there are some things I just don’t think I will ever be able to see again. 

Aging is not all bad. It has so many good things that go along with it, that it makes it worthwhile.  With our children practically grown, Cody and I are experiencing wonderful bonding time together again.  We actually have date nights that don’t end in a sporting event.  We have alone time together at our house, not just in our vehicles going from one event to the next! Don’t get me wrong- I loved every minute of that!! But I am enjoying this time more and more everyday! It is almost like we are newlyweds- but we have already fought through the big stuff like sharing the closet space…lid up or down on the toilet seat…what direction does the toilet paper go on the roll…those type of things were ironed out years ago. Now we are comfortable and have more time to focus on just each other.

Our children are becoming our best friends as we get to spend more time enjoying their company and not feeling like we are constantly parenting them. We really do like them, and even more? We enjoy their company!

Cody and I are laughing at ourselves. Cody bought a rain gauge (large print for old eyes) and he could not wait to check it last time it rained.  I have hung a humming bird feeder, and have begun to research what food to put out in order to attract mockingbirds. Cody drinks coffee sometimes just because… We have figured out how to get what we want for breakfast at Cracker Barrel by combining orders and saving ourselves $4.00! We are looking forward to the Senior Discount.

And one of the best things about getting older? Being a grandparents!! We have our granddaughter, Aubrey, and our grandson, Pistol, (not his real name, my nick name) who will be arriving in May. As an added bonus, we also get to share grandchildren with our best friends, Karen and Bobby! So we have Jack, Ryleigh, Henry and Baby Bean Supak (not his real name, my nick name), who will make his debut a couple of months before Pistol…A hug from any of these children is like fuel for my happy meter.  I can live a week full of happy thoughts off of a few moments with any of these little munchkins. And the joy I get from watching Cody be their “Pops”? There are no words.

I love my family!! I love my husband!! I love my life…. My aging life….God is good!

This is our Noodle...Aubrey Blayce

Pistol…

Jack

Ryleigh

Henry

I don't have a picture of Baby Bean... but I assume he looks a little bit like Pistol!



Walking with the Master

January 11, 2012

I have a pug- June Bug the pug.  She is actually David’s dog, but he frequently accuses me of stealing her, which I very well might have.  However, she still really loves him- she just prefers my sleeping habits- normal ones- over his- vampire hours. (Seriously, I have been checking his teeth for fangs)

June Bug makes me laugh.  Almost every time I look at her I cannot help but smile.  It has been that way since the first time I saw her photo on Craig’s List. She grunts, snorts, breathes loudly at best, purrs when she is content and snores.  Her snoring is competitive with my husband’s…sometimes I wake up to the tune of them snoring in a rhythmic duet.  That even makes me smile.  June Bug has also been known to pass gas, loudly, and that makes me laugh out loud! Toots bring no reaction from her other than she lifts her head to look at me as if to say, “What?”

I also have another dog, Lucy. Lucy is a malti-pooh and a princess. She was a gift to me from my husband, however, if the truth be told she loves him the most.  She is sweet and furry. I always wanted her to wear a bow. But early on I knew that she took after my daughter and thought they looked stupid and she refused to keep them in her hair. Lucy could be the prettiest malti-poo I have ever seen. With or without a bow.

June Bug likes to follow me around. A lot. Our morning routine usually consists of this: I get up and go into the bathroom- she reluctantly leaves the warm covers and follows me in there.  I take her to the back door she goes out and comes right back in. As I am waiting for my tea pot to boil, I feed her.  She eats her dog food (and Lucy’s if I don’t keep an eye on her) in a matter of seconds- literally. Seconds. Like a doggie vacuum.  I put her back outside, and she comes right back in…we head back to the bathroom where I continue the process of getting ready for my day. June Bug almost never leaves my side. She will follow me around so closely that if I turn around too quickly I will almost trip over her.  Often she follows close enough that she keeps her nose planted on my leg as she takes deep, loud snorts and purrs as if to say that she loves the way I smell.

I began to wonder what it would look like if I was actually following Jesus that closely…what if I consistently considered His steps and simply walked blindly behind Him?  Isn’t that really what I am called to do?

Lucy, on the other hand, is a princess and prefers to only be in someone’s lap or curled up on the couch.  She does not have time to follow me around, it would require way too much walking. And she is not much into walking. She never goes anywhere quickly, except to someone’s chair at the dinner table that she thinks might slip her a little bite. She has also been known to hit the door running when she thinks she might get to go somewhere with us. She is quick to roll over in order to get her tummy scratched. She is sweet and adorable, and realizes her only goal in life is to love us. Lucy  rests in the comfort of knowing we are taking care of her every need.

I so often get distracted by my own wants and needs, or just the life going on around me that I leave His side.  I stop following in His footsteps.  I quit resting in the comfort of knowing that He is taking care of my every need. My goal in life becomes self centered and I am no longer living just to love my God.

Thanks June Bug and Lucy for bringing us happiness and for reminding me of how one truly walks with the Master.